Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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