I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
