I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
