sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
