After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
