I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
