So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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