I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
