I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
