I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
