I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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