What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
