We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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