I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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