you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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