She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
then he tried to convert me to islam
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
