i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
