my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
