and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
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His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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