If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
