Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
