Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
