Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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