my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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