i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
