my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
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if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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