My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
