My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
