we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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