Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
