Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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