I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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