careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I need a beard to bite.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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