I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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