I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
