I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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