I think my fart just growled at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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