the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
