i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
