okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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