Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
