she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
