why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
