Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
