my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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