Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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