There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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