so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
