Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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