So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I did not marry a roomba.
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