Can i not drive my cunt home
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
