i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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