i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
