I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
