Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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