Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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