GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
