You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
