i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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